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Pop Farts

First thing in the morning, I prefer to not smell crap. I mean, yea I’ll smell it on the way to work ‘cause I’m in the city. But not at 9AM in our work restrooms. I know that most men have a schedule and it’s really my fault for deciding to wash my hands when I got in to work BEFORE eating breakfast…but I can still complain. 2 of 2 stalls were taken, so that gave me a concentrated poop-smell that will forever haunt all my senses…even sight. I saw the smell…and now everyday at 9AM I will see the AM vapors surround my Pop Tart.



[14:07] Brownman: so by mondayish we should see a package that welcomes us as Season Ticket holders for the NY Giants!
[14:11] Brownman: i had to facebook it
[14:12] Brownman: just had to
[14:12] Brownman: its either i facebook about the tickets and my excitement
[14:12] Brownman: or jizz in my pants
[14:12] Brownman: and well, i’m at work

[14:16] Tex Mex: lmao

Getting the Goods Out

Sometimes I need to preface my schlong prior to taking a leak in the winter due to all the layers I wear. That includes a layer of boxers, pj pants, and jeans. That’s 3 holes before I can evacuate my urine-lined bladder and in an emergency I can easily drench a layer if I don’t time bathroom trip in time. A true issue later on in the day when I go from urinal to urinal looking for a clear one that doesn’t have remnant pee. 

Naturally I play a game of “Find the Wang” every morning when a path isn’t set for the first urinal visit. The winter doesn’t agree with the cold New York male. 

My English is Off

[10:51] Brownman: i havent been confronted directly by this chick at work
[10:52] Brownman: (i call her english cuz she a pompous english major)
[10:52] Brownman: but yesterday

[10:52] Tex Mex: right, i read about her

[10:52] Brownman: i am working from home and i emailed something our boss wanted
[10:52] Brownman: he wanted it from all of us
[10:53] Brownman: and since i emailed first he tells the other ppl in our position
[10:53] Brownman: to use Brownman’s file as a template
[10:53] Brownman: essentially to follow my lead

[10:53] Tex Mex: oh shit

[10:53] Brownman: and she says “oh so cuz ur golden boy Brownman sent it in first so we gotta follow it now?”
[10:54] Brownman: like i said, i havent been confronted by her directly
[10:54] Brownman: but, i wont take it.

[10:54] Tex Mex: im imagining this with that english accent

[10:54] Brownman: she has a jewish accent
[10:54] Brownman: lol
[10:54] Brownman: no accent whatsoever
[10:54] Brownman: just…”proper”
[10:54] Brownman: and she blinks profusely when she talks to u directly
[10:54] Brownman: cuz she clearly has a self esteem issue

[10:54] Tex Mex: oh well for my entertainment, she will have an english accent

[10:54] Brownman: lol

[10:55] Tex Mex: so what are you going to do?

[10:57] Brownman: i dunno. and she gets weird too…like easily annoyed

[10:57] Tex Mex: play the same card on her
[10:58] Tex Mex: correct her LOL

[10:58] Brownman: i…i dont know how to be a cunt? lol like this guy at work
[10:58] Brownman: he has an annoying ring tone
[10:58] Brownman: and it is pretty annoying when it goes off and he ain’t around
[10:58] Brownman: so it rings while the guy is a way today and the phone is probably in his coat
[10:58] Brownman: she gets up all huffy and puffy
[10:59] Brownman: and shuts it off!
[10:59] Brownman: i would never touch someones shit like that

[10:59] Tex Mex: wtf, who does she think she is
[10:59] Tex Mex: dude there you go, get an annoying ring tone and let it ring, call yourself if you have to

I was being facetious

The buzzword of people these days is “facetious”. And crap is it annoying. Some wiseass will say something borderline sarcastic/serious, you’ll remain neutral and say “hmm, you don’t say” and they’ll go “I was being facetious”. Basically giving them a free pass to be a dick.

You know what? You are a shit bucket, Mr. and Mrs. Facetious. You are not worthy of being the feces, rather only the bucket that captures it upon leaving the body. You want to get smart with me? I will be facetious all over your face when I cut it. And that is my weekly rant.

“So the term 7/11 and the stores…”

…is what Corona began to ask me. 

“The term 7/11 didn’t come from Indians- let me stop you right there. It’s more likely that the term refers to your mom you rat bastard.”

“I’m just saying though…”

“Look, it doesn’t help my case that Dunkin Donuts and 7/11 are dominated by the East Indians. But we can be doctors too.”

“And accountants…”

“Sigh. To further your stereotype, my sister in majoring in Accounting.”

“Will her Accounting firm be opened 7/11?”