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Goo


I get little pop ups throughout the day for e-mails I receive to my personal e-mail. The pop ups just show a certain amount of characters before it cuts off the rest of the “From” and “Subject” lines. I couldn’t help but chuckle when I saw an unread e-mail from “Dicks Sporting Goo” Yummy. Sounds like something only a woman or gay dude can stomach.

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Random Work E-mail Notification


I love our HR e-mails/updates. I might have to make a category for them:

“To the owner of a Ford Explorer (license plate number Xxx 1234) parked near the Warehouse section of the building, your vehicle’s rear passenger window fell out.

If you happen to know who the owner of this vehicle is, please pass this message to them immediately. Thank you.”

Rear passenger window just “fell out”. How do they know that the window fell out rather than got smashed or something? They got CSI on the scene? Grisham said a one-liner like “This case has just been rear-ended”?

Toilet Talk: Spam Comment on my Blog


Every so often I’ll approve a spam comment on my blog. Here’s a snippet from the one I approved via my iPhone. Gotta love spam.

Job Flopportunity


Got an e-mail for a great opportunity – though I’m wary of clicking any links…I dunno why. Perhaps the range in salary?

“If you are still seeking a professional or executive career in the Marketing sector or other fields, with pay between $60,000 and $500,000, please update your information here…”

My Line of Work


Fifi: how’s work?
Brown Man: funny. i searched our internal tracking systems (where people keep track of helpdesk tickets) for the word “popular”. got this ticket back:
“With every inches of your dick your popularity grows with extremely high speed. That’s why you should try Penis Enlarge Patch.”
Fifi: whoa. what are you doing at work??
Brown Man: lol. we’re our there making a better product, thank you very much

Top Searches On My Blog for the Day


Well I’ll be, people are using the new search box on my blog! Let’s see what they’re searching for:

incredible hulk nsfw
free porno bestiality
bike riding on long island
big busty woman
masturbation

Um. “Bike riding on long island”? Now that just makes no sense.

Blog #12 of 50: WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES


Funny spam mail that reminds me of how my sinister cat thinks:

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES

Excerpts from a Dog’s Daily Diary……
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary…
Day 983 of my captivity…
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ..