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Movie Review: Insidious

I went with 7-8 male coworkers the other day for a “boys night out” viewing of the movie “Insidious”. To sum up: 8 dudes, dark theater, and a scary movie. I think we messed the night up by passing up on bars to chew on franks and nuts while jumping in our seats.

That aside, I must admit it’s weird not seeing a movie with Mrs. Brownman. I opted to sit by myself 1 row in front of the other dudes so I can just turn around and keep up with all the conversations. So essentially I was by myself and felt like more of a loser than had I just sat next to one of the dudes. I’ll say it. Movies must suck if you’re single.

On to the movie. It was shot with real actors as the “demons” in this horror movie and delivered a throwback to old school horror flicks: scary parts happened when you expected them thanks to the loud ass music. It was almost scary to see a shadow accompanied by a loud bang on the piano. Simple yet classic. So chalk up a point for the way the movie was shot.

The plot- eh it’s alright. I found myself laughing a lot during the movie. Absurd in some areas, the acting/casting was weird…especially the lead chick. She played “Jackie Q” in “Get Him to the Greek” so it was weird to see someone with a British accent singing about anal sex now play the role of a scared mother.

Do you get scared in this movie? Not to the point where you believe these things will come and get you. Do you enjoy the concept? Sure. You can appreciate the homage this movie pays to some of the older movies we grew up with. 3.1 Poop Sticks. I felt a bit relieved that I saw this movie- 3.1 Poop Turds’ worth. Delicious. No 5 Sticks because I still wanna come home and fear I might shat my pants.

Women Give Men Oral Cancer

As per this article:


Black dudes were always right. Don’t go down on a bitch.

“Researchers found a 225% increase in oral cancer cases in the U.S. from 1974 to 2007, mainly among white men… The more oral-sex partners a man had, the greater his cancer risk”

What if it’s a dark dude with white chicks? Guess it doesn’t really matter because the darker you are the less likely you are to engage in much oraling. I mean, sex is just good. Why put your woman at risk for a UTI or yeast-escapade when your penis is probably one of the more cleaner parts of the body, sans balls.

Women Ain’t Entitled

I’m not happy how entitled women are feeling these days. F that. I get to the elevator, and by default I’ll let the ugliest most fattest broad in the world get on before I do. But these hoebags get there and don’t even wait for me to offer my spot on the invisible line for the elevator. They cut me off and walk right up to the doors when they hear that “ding!” What kinda bullspit is that? They do the same crap when they walk on the streets or wait to go up the escalators. Skip me as if I’m some Third World worker. Bitch, I make more than you by default because of my tiny pecker- back of the line like the ugly slut you are.

Shave that chin boy

Brownman: so bust it. this jew dude. new to the company

Brownman: maybe…a month now?

Brownman: we’re all jokey and such…don’t really bust balls or anything. but last night on the way out, i sent a file for review, and he wanted to talk about it, but i sorta snapped and said we’ll chat tomorrow

BrownmanL: today he said “yea u really shot back yesterday” and i said “sorry man, just had to be out and i didn’t have the time to spare.”

Brownman: then he says after a bit “so when are u gonna shave that soul patch u got going there?”

Brownman:  i was like “whuuuut?”

Brownman: “yea…that p-diddy soul patch”

Mrs. Brownman: what????

Brownman: i said “it’s not really a soul patch…but yea, it’s fine.”

Mrs. Brownman: so he’s trying to joke around with u?

Brownman: i think so. and it’s cool to joke around… but when i snapped or talked to him generally…never do i bring in appearance or anything personal. and i dunno…i feel sorta offended. me. of all people. its so random what troubles me

Mrs. Brownman: lol aww…well it is rude what he said. cause it’s not like you’ve open the joke door to him…there’s a certain point in time when it’s cool to start joking with someone. but that’s after u’ve kind of tested the water

Brownman: right. i’m thinking to myself “i never asked u to shave that yamaka  off ur head” to jew boy

Mrs. Brownman: lol

Brownman: cuz traditionally…the chin fuzz is muslim. which is why my grandmother hates it so much

Mrs. Brownman: yeah it’s not like u’ve been lazy growing out ur beard or something

Brownman: so i mean…what if it were a religious thing?

Mrs. Brownman: true

Women Complain 75% of the Time

Look it up. Go ahead. Women complain because they get a bigger response than if they said something positive. Couple that with the female-love to talk, then BLAMGASMO! super-talking-orgy is in full effect. From http://women.webmd.com/guide/do-you-complain-too-much:

“”Michael Cunningham, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Louisville, observes that humans’ taste for complaining probably evolved from our ancestors’ way of crying out a warning when something threatened the tribe. “We mammals are a squealing species. We talk about things that bother us as a way of getting help or seeking a posse to mount a counterattack,” says Cunningham. True, we no longer have to buddy up in the face of menacing saber-toothed tigers, but venting our everyday grievances to receptive listeners (a.k.a. expressive complaining) helps us feel validated and supported. Says my friend Tracy, mother of two daughters: “All the moms in our playgroup complain a lot. Venting helps us to feel less alone and less guilty about our frustrations as our kids go through the terrible twos.””

Evolve further bitches. At work, I guess you’d expect a woman to complain at their workplace to a few confidants that share their common enemies and disdains. But work is just a common ground for further complaints. Food, husbands, and the most popular: people’s behavior. You’d think these chicks would be careful in who they complain about and to whom- but nay.

The Brownman gets to observe these nagging dunts (dumb cunts) blab day in and day out about any and everything. I estimate that 75% of all topics are primarily a complaint. Go ahead. Put me to the test. Count the times you spoke to a woman, and try to estimate how much of each dialogue involved complaining.

Don’t bother estimating with a pregnant chick though. It’s impossible to find the one convo that isn’t a complaint and you’re left with a skewed number such as 101% of the conversation being complaint city.

Fellas. You wanna know how you can win over that new girl you’re dating? Gauge who she hates and ask how that person is doing. Memorize a song and see how far you can get through it in your head before she stops.


I had a classic case of “what the hell” today. Not as extreme as “what the fucks” where you’re like “seriously? That’s why I’m stuck here late at work? ’cause you can’t do your job?” No I was more in a “really? That’s what you’re focused on while someone is dead?” moment. 

The guy that sits next to me at work seemed to have also gotten a haircut the same weekend I got mine. His is barely noticeable- he typically has short hair regardless. I, on the other hand, let my Indian-thick bush sprout from the depths of my head and get lazy…it might be up to a month before you see my scalp again. 

Yet 2 people ask this coworker: “hey you got a haircut? It’s short, looks good.”

I don’t need the compliment. I’m neither diva nor chick. But really? Am I that irrelevant that my haircut goes unnoticed? Am I that much of a fly on the wall or obviously non-white that my haircut serves no greater good at work?

I was right in being pissed at the immigrant barber for not understanding what a “Ben Affleck” haircut was.

My English is Off

[10:51] Brownman: i havent been confronted directly by this chick at work
[10:52] Brownman: (i call her english cuz she a pompous english major)
[10:52] Brownman: but yesterday

[10:52] Tex Mex: right, i read about her

[10:52] Brownman: i am working from home and i emailed something our boss wanted
[10:52] Brownman: he wanted it from all of us
[10:53] Brownman: and since i emailed first he tells the other ppl in our position
[10:53] Brownman: to use Brownman’s file as a template
[10:53] Brownman: essentially to follow my lead

[10:53] Tex Mex: oh shit

[10:53] Brownman: and she says “oh so cuz ur golden boy Brownman sent it in first so we gotta follow it now?”
[10:54] Brownman: like i said, i havent been confronted by her directly
[10:54] Brownman: but, i wont take it.

[10:54] Tex Mex: im imagining this with that english accent

[10:54] Brownman: she has a jewish accent
[10:54] Brownman: lol
[10:54] Brownman: no accent whatsoever
[10:54] Brownman: just…”proper”
[10:54] Brownman: and she blinks profusely when she talks to u directly
[10:54] Brownman: cuz she clearly has a self esteem issue

[10:54] Tex Mex: oh well for my entertainment, she will have an english accent

[10:54] Brownman: lol

[10:55] Tex Mex: so what are you going to do?

[10:57] Brownman: i dunno. and she gets weird too…like easily annoyed

[10:57] Tex Mex: play the same card on her
[10:58] Tex Mex: correct her LOL

[10:58] Brownman: i…i dont know how to be a cunt? lol like this guy at work
[10:58] Brownman: he has an annoying ring tone
[10:58] Brownman: and it is pretty annoying when it goes off and he ain’t around
[10:58] Brownman: so it rings while the guy is a way today and the phone is probably in his coat
[10:58] Brownman: she gets up all huffy and puffy
[10:59] Brownman: and shuts it off!
[10:59] Brownman: i would never touch someones shit like that

[10:59] Tex Mex: wtf, who does she think she is
[10:59] Tex Mex: dude there you go, get an annoying ring tone and let it ring, call yourself if you have to

The Mexican Driveway

I had to rush to shovel our driveway yesterday. Why? The Mexicans were coming in droves to offer their services to shovel. First was a Mexican teen that asked for $60!! Just to shovel a track and the back of my car to get out. That’s it. $60. I tried haggling but the non-English-friendly kid kept saying “no $60” and “I take credit card”. Sure you do buddy. The next Mexican was an older guy but Mrs. Brownman turned his services down while I rushed to my snow shoveling clothes. I fully expect competitive rates to what the 12 year-olds offer – $20 tops.

Why Men Can’t Work With Women

Leave it to me to work with dumb broads. I am thoroughly convinced that women that are ugly or moody can NOT work with men. The ugly ones do NOT get laid and thus become moody. The moody ones, both hot and ugly, are just a waste of human capital. Maybe the moody ugly ones can work together- that’s fine as long as no men are involved. The hot chicks can work with men easily but clearly the men’s wives will get mad so the hot chicks must work on the field like selling goods or washing cars.

I get stuck with the ugly whiny hoes that just need a good plowing. I have mentioned English previously – a coworker that lets it be known that she speaks in the utmost awesomest grammar thanks to majoring in a language she grew up speaking anyways. Good for you. You’re in the technical field, so I’m sure English is a prerequisite but certainly no actual major one should respect. Any hoo.

The other day she yelled out “Brownman is a Senior Manager??” when she read an internal company newsletter. I am actually on the same level as English so naturally this shocked the dried up hoe. But our boss, who sits on the other side of the office heard this and said he wrote that article in the newsletter a while ago and he didn’t get to update it with my current title.

English is just like that. Whiney and borderline condescending. She has a sense of entitlement and she hasn’t been working here a year yet.

Today, another coworker that sits next to me “Assclown” was out sick. He has a monitor that I borrowed because I use a laptop and the screen is pretty small. Assclown has a sweet monitor so I hooked up to it. Moments later I hear from down the room “Oh, so Brownman gets a bigger monitor?” That’s 2 strikes now where she jumped the gun on me getting more than her.

That’s it. I refuse to work with ugly chicks. The burden you carry isn’t that you can’t get laid- you have the gift of vag. Rather, your burden is due to your assholedness…just hump the next guy that throws your doggy self a bone.

Those People Are Here

For New Year’s Eve Mrs. Brownman and I were stranded in New York as our trip to California was canceled because New York has no clue what it means to shovel now that I cleared from my driveway in 2 hours…not 4 days like our wonderful state. Oh was that a run-on sentence? My bad America. 

We went to my parents’ house where my sister invited her friends. It was surely a bit out of our element since we’re older than the 21 year-olds. All they talk about is drinking and a few inside jokes. The art of storytelling is over. 

A couple of my sis’ friends came down and were of the minority clan. “Where’s my purse?” Mrs. Brownman asked. 

“Oh so a couple of Mexicans and blacks populate the premise and you now must account for your belongings?” I asked. 

“Where’s my purse?”

“Don’t worry, I hid it upstairs because at minimum I anticipated the black guy over there showing up.”