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English Jew on Fire


Brownman: i wanna ask English her weight. based on height and girth, i think we weigh almost the same. so the other day (stop me if i told u this), they got cupcakes on Good Friday and she started talking about how its passover…and she cant have cupcakes, and it isnt fair cuz she’s (all of a sudden) jewish. So goes on to say that she and this other chick in the office (who is also jewish, lesbian-style) are gonna bring in motzah balls and not share with us non-Jews

Mrs. Brownman: lol wow

Brownman: blah blah whine whine about jewishness

Mrs. Brownman: douchey

Brownman:  A coworker dude was saying that in the conference room (only a few feet away) they heard her whine with the door closed during this rant. Him and whoever else was in the room began bitching her out instead of carrying on with his meeting. She always complains!

Brownman: and then today she says how if u have a dog, the dog has to eat kosher too.

else u gotta give the dog to someone to watch during Passover.

Mrs. Brownman: lol WHAT?

Brownman: well u know what u hoe beast? apologize for taking our savior and innocently killing a man, then maybe we will respect one of your 450 holidays

Mrs. Brownman: lol for realz and as reparations u should give us cupcakes

Brownman: yes filled with unkosher goodness

Mrs. Brownman: while u eat balls

Brownman: yes, ur motzy messy balls can be enjoyed year-round…i dont care if u eat them in front of me in ur chosen elite club. she says some really inappropriate anti-christian stuff i swear. i heard one time there were christian activities going on downstairs outside the office building. and she said “oh those crazy christians are at it again” Coworker dude was baffled…cuz he said he was the christian she told that too. i mean…ur telling me curling ur side burns, not showering, and wearing nerf frizbees isnt crazy? touching food and calling it kosher isnt extreme?

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Pop Farts


First thing in the morning, I prefer to not smell crap. I mean, yea I’ll smell it on the way to work ‘cause I’m in the city. But not at 9AM in our work restrooms. I know that most men have a schedule and it’s really my fault for deciding to wash my hands when I got in to work BEFORE eating breakfast…but I can still complain. 2 of 2 stalls were taken, so that gave me a concentrated poop-smell that will forever haunt all my senses…even sight. I saw the smell…and now everyday at 9AM I will see the AM vapors surround my Pop Tart.

My English is Off


[10:51] Brownman: i havent been confronted directly by this chick at work
[10:52] Brownman: (i call her english cuz she a pompous english major)
[10:52] Brownman: but yesterday

[10:52] Tex Mex: right, i read about her

[10:52] Brownman: i am working from home and i emailed something our boss wanted
[10:52] Brownman: he wanted it from all of us
[10:53] Brownman: and since i emailed first he tells the other ppl in our position
[10:53] Brownman: to use Brownman’s file as a template
[10:53] Brownman: essentially to follow my lead

[10:53] Tex Mex: oh shit

[10:53] Brownman: and she says “oh so cuz ur golden boy Brownman sent it in first so we gotta follow it now?”
[10:54] Brownman: like i said, i havent been confronted by her directly
[10:54] Brownman: but, i wont take it.

[10:54] Tex Mex: im imagining this with that english accent

[10:54] Brownman: she has a jewish accent
[10:54] Brownman: lol
[10:54] Brownman: no accent whatsoever
[10:54] Brownman: just…”proper”
[10:54] Brownman: and she blinks profusely when she talks to u directly
[10:54] Brownman: cuz she clearly has a self esteem issue

[10:54] Tex Mex: oh well for my entertainment, she will have an english accent

[10:54] Brownman: lol

[10:55] Tex Mex: so what are you going to do?

[10:57] Brownman: i dunno. and she gets weird too…like easily annoyed

[10:57] Tex Mex: play the same card on her
[10:58] Tex Mex: correct her LOL

[10:58] Brownman: i…i dont know how to be a cunt? lol like this guy at work
[10:58] Brownman: he has an annoying ring tone
[10:58] Brownman: and it is pretty annoying when it goes off and he ain’t around
[10:58] Brownman: so it rings while the guy is a way today and the phone is probably in his coat
[10:58] Brownman: she gets up all huffy and puffy
[10:59] Brownman: and shuts it off!
[10:59] Brownman: i would never touch someones shit like that

[10:59] Tex Mex: wtf, who does she think she is
[10:59] Tex Mex: dude there you go, get an annoying ring tone and let it ring, call yourself if you have to

New Job (Again)


Good things about my new job:

>Coffee and milk available at all times, make it if you want it (not available at previous job)
>I know almost everyone already
>I can surf the net without “big brother” programs hawking me
>No Cunt for a boss

Things I miss about my old job:

>The endless possibilities in places to take a dump (4 mens restrooms compared to the one at the new job)

Indian Food at Work


[13:55] Coworker: i am sorry to say this but i feel it should be against company policy to eat anything Indian in the building. that shit is so strong smelling i actually start developing headaches

[13:56] Brownman: hahaha

[13:56] Coworker: do you like eating that food? you dont strike me as a indian food eater

[13:57] Brownman: um on occasion- my blood craves a fix once in awhile. i cant fight it

[13:57] Coworker: Habeeb & Harry used to kill me with that shit when I used to sit by them

[13:57] Brownman: i know better than to bring it to work. i am fully aware if its potent smell…and ability to make u crap

[13:58] Coworker: haha

Dose of Her Own Medicine


Again. I do NOT make these things up. I don’t.

The other day I got stuck in another meaningless meeting. But it was one for the ages. There we were as my Cunt of a boss got fired up. She is such a negative person rejecting all proposals to change certain things on the project she was working on. I’m not saying that she has no reason to reject these changes- but she had no reason to be so negative and forceful…even condescending on the changes that were being tossed at her.

“You do not know industry standards recommend we don’t implement the
ideas you’re talking about.” That’s one line. “Things have changed since you last worked on a similar project that I have control of now.” That’s another good one.

And she always gives explanations when you don’t ask for them. “No we can’t implement what you’re asking for.”

“Ok. How about this other nonrelated topic that I’d like to move onto-”

“And the reason why I don’t want to implement your suggestion is because industry studies suggest….”

After receiving one of these comments this guy Ear Candy, who really whispers sweet nothings to the higher ups at this place, snapped. I have never seen him get annoyed. “Don’t knock this change I suggest until you learn about it. If you don’t know about it you should read up on it.”

“What? Oh so I don’t know anything now about my own project? And you’re the authority? Don’t talk to me like I don’t know what I’m doing!!” The room fell silent and the meeting ended shortly after.

So we get back to my desk and began closing up shop since the meeting was late in the day. I then hear sniffling coming from Cunt’s office. I swear she gets so frigging emotional. Emoticunt over there. I knew I didn’t want to get up from my desk ‘cause I’d get sucked into her vacuum of cuntitude. And I was right as I said “good night”.

“Ear Candy is unbelievable right? Was I out of line there?”

How do you answer that…I had no choice but to take my direct boss’ side. “Um well yea that was some situation.”

“And he was totally belittling me right?”

“The company needs direction.”

That’s pretty much the conversation there. I’d try and give answers that weren’t specific enough but had an agreeable tone. I’m sure she saw it as me agreeing with her full on because I forget she’s a foreigner.

“What do I do now? I’m so fucking mad right now!” she continued.

“Well I’m sure there’s a lot of traffic now. By the time you get home you’ll be fine.” I know, not something a crying cunt wants to hear but I could care less.

“Go home, Brownman, it’s late. Go to your wife.” Damn straight I will. I’ll go home to someone that’s rational and can control her emotions. Good luck to your husband.

The next day Cunt shows me an e-mail of her essentially reprimanding Ear Candy and asking to be treated like an adult. He apologized in response. She said she needed record of her trying to resolve it. But of course she wanted more attention and sympathy so she then went to our VP and began talking to everyone else in that meeting about the incident via speakerphone. What a bitch.

Fit To Be Boss


Our wondrous Cunt of a boss just essentially told Coworker that he will never make any more money than what he is making now here at “Tired”. Cunt told him that his position will never grow into anything more, and that he needs to stop being so ambitious with all his suggestions. Rather, he is to do as he is told.

What kind of boss says this to her subordinates?

Ah, the kind that a former coworker of mine refers to. He had worked with Cunt at a previous job where he was the agency servicing her company. Apparently, she is nothing more than a robot who was never a manager prior to Tired. Can you believe that? I can. She is as organized as a chick who just moved out of parent’s house and living on her own to “live her own life”. But Cunt isn’t a 20 year old chick trying to prove anything. She’s an older immigrant trying to prove something…

Clearly one of the things she’s trying to prove is that she is in charge here and no one can take her spot. Nor do we know any better than her.