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English Jew on Fire

Brownman: i wanna ask English her weight. based on height and girth, i think we weigh almost the same. so the other day (stop me if i told u this), they got cupcakes on Good Friday and she started talking about how its passover…and she cant have cupcakes, and it isnt fair cuz she’s (all of a sudden) jewish. So goes on to say that she and this other chick in the office (who is also jewish, lesbian-style) are gonna bring in motzah balls and not share with us non-Jews

Mrs. Brownman: lol wow

Brownman: blah blah whine whine about jewishness

Mrs. Brownman: douchey

Brownman:  A coworker dude was saying that in the conference room (only a few feet away) they heard her whine with the door closed during this rant. Him and whoever else was in the room began bitching her out instead of carrying on with his meeting. She always complains!

Brownman: and then today she says how if u have a dog, the dog has to eat kosher too.

else u gotta give the dog to someone to watch during Passover.

Mrs. Brownman: lol WHAT?

Brownman: well u know what u hoe beast? apologize for taking our savior and innocently killing a man, then maybe we will respect one of your 450 holidays

Mrs. Brownman: lol for realz and as reparations u should give us cupcakes

Brownman: yes filled with unkosher goodness

Mrs. Brownman: while u eat balls

Brownman: yes, ur motzy messy balls can be enjoyed year-round…i dont care if u eat them in front of me in ur chosen elite club. she says some really inappropriate anti-christian stuff i swear. i heard one time there were christian activities going on downstairs outside the office building. and she said “oh those crazy christians are at it again” Coworker dude was baffled…cuz he said he was the christian she told that too. i mean…ur telling me curling ur side burns, not showering, and wearing nerf frizbees isnt crazy? touching food and calling it kosher isnt extreme?


Valentine’s Day As Per Growing Up

I am not a romantic. I grew up in a world where you buy cheap CVS balloons, chocolates, and cards for your school sweetheart on Valentine’s Day or their birthday. And you purchase on the day of the event for fear of storing at home where your parents would see you wasting your lunch money on all that V-day “crap”. Plus, walking with that crap to school made you look like a ‘tard so you’d hit up the CVS or stationary store closest to school and dump the crap in your sweetheart’s lap before 1st period began so she could carry it around all day. 

I’d like to say I evolved since my junior and high school days thanks to movies and television, but like most men post-school we’re dating or married to a more sophisticated hoe than school and in the media. You’re forced to be thoughtful and romantic-as-possible all year long so when Valentine’s Day rolls around you’re tapped out of original ideas. Dinner and a movie is a regular Saturday night. Anything else is way too pricey that your woman would kill you for dropping so much cheddar (money) on one night. 

And let’s face it. A guy has to think about planning well enough so that the entire night isn’t taken up. You need to allot enough time so that your lady isn’t too tired and there’s an opportunity to get some nookie. Why not? As a dude you spend so much effort that you want to relax inside the vag at the end of the day. 

I refuse to wait until Steak and BJ day on 3/14 to collect on my reward. 

Steelers Are In

[11:44] Tex Mex: what is up with the steelers humping their qb?
[11:45] Tex Mex: http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhR69xYaDSs4xQ1t6l

[11:46] Bellies: LMAO

[11:46] Brownman: “no” means “yes”
[11:46] Brownman: they were getting back at him for his rapings

Air Sex Awards

[11:38] Coworker: http://www.mercuryloungenyc.com/event/5536

[11:39] Brownman: this…is the best use of air ever

My Last Day At “Tired”

[09:31] Brownman: damn i didnt do my happy dance
[09:32] Brownman: i wish this cpu had web cam
[09:32] Brownman: i’d show u my happy dance

[09:32] Mrs. Brownman: why u happy?

[09:32] Brownman: yea…i meant the CAPS

[09:32] Mrs. Brownman: lol ohhhhh
[09:33] Mrs. Brownman: right

[09:33] Brownman: aww u forgot

[09:33] Mrs. Brownman: no i remembered
[09:33] Mrs. Brownman: just didn’t think you were THAT happy about it

[09:33] Brownman: whuuuuuuut?
[09:33] Brownman: haven’t u been reading my blog?
[09:33] Brownman: i am happy by default
[09:34] Brownman: a bird could have shat all over my head
[09:34] Brownman: and by default…i would be happy
[09:34] Brownman: a guy could have said i looked fat today…and by
default i’d politely say “your momma”…and smile cuz i’m outta here
[09:36] Brownman: a midget could have come up to me and say, “my dear
Brownman, I feel bigger than you look.” and by default…not only
would I punt him into the bushes, I’d smile as I do it because I am
outta here
[09:37] Brownman: your sister could say she’s moving in with us
because she hates her hometown…and by default…only today would I
be happy…not so much starting tomorrow.
[09:38] Brownman: no one moves in with us except our newborns

[09:38] Mrs. Brownman: oi
[09:38] Mrs. Brownman: that’s gonna be on the blog isn’t it?

[09:38] Brownman: even that last sentence of this being on the blog

[09:38] Mrs. Brownman: figures

[09:39] Brownman: but u see my dear love
[09:39] Brownman: i am happy
[09:39] Brownman: allow me to smile
[09:39] Brownman:
[09:39] Brownman: i am sporting teeth all day
[09:39] Brownman: worse job of my life? probably not
[09:40] Brownman: but for the first time, i have met a miserable fuck.
i thought they only existed in movies, not actually be real people’s

Oprah or Your Mom’s Legs?

Remember readers. I am always trying to get Bellies (one of the most racist men I have ever met) to say “yes” to banging a black female.

Brownman: your mother is about to lose both legs to surgery. Oprah, of course, has the secret to saving the legs via her one of her items in her top 10 gifts. Will you make rubber-less love to the cow in order to save your mom’s legs?
Brownman: dude…ur mom’s legs are about to get sawed off
Brownman: will you please answer??
Brownman: oprah is drying up here

Bellies: ah just another thing wrong with my mom her disability check will go up … off with her legs

Brownman: wow u are pure evil
Brownman: your mother almost lost her legs trying to rip ur large ass from her womb
Brownman: now you want to finish the job

Bellies: yes

Brownman: what time u work today?

Bellies: 2PM

Brownman: and u still talking to me about your mother? go jerk off man

Bellies: nah

Whole Foods…Yum

Funny…or not so funny…pic taken at a popular grocery in the City. I guess this is no big deal for the minority workers that hand deliver the food…heck I may or may not eat it myself because I’m not super picky about how my food gets to my plate as long as I didn’t see what happened prior to it. I know the white folk out there cringe at this stuff. I’m just gonna assume Pedro managed to get the chicken on its merry way without touching the garbage and what not.