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Movie Review: Insidious

I went with 7-8 male coworkers the other day for a “boys night out” viewing of the movie “Insidious”. To sum up: 8 dudes, dark theater, and a scary movie. I think we messed the night up by passing up on bars to chew on franks and nuts while jumping in our seats.

That aside, I must admit it’s weird not seeing a movie with Mrs. Brownman. I opted to sit by myself 1 row in front of the other dudes so I can just turn around and keep up with all the conversations. So essentially I was by myself and felt like more of a loser than had I just sat next to one of the dudes. I’ll say it. Movies must suck if you’re single.

On to the movie. It was shot with real actors as the “demons” in this horror movie and delivered a throwback to old school horror flicks: scary parts happened when you expected them thanks to the loud ass music. It was almost scary to see a shadow accompanied by a loud bang on the piano. Simple yet classic. So chalk up a point for the way the movie was shot.

The plot- eh it’s alright. I found myself laughing a lot during the movie. Absurd in some areas, the acting/casting was weird…especially the lead chick. She played “Jackie Q” in “Get Him to the Greek” so it was weird to see someone with a British accent singing about anal sex now play the role of a scared mother.

Do you get scared in this movie? Not to the point where you believe these things will come and get you. Do you enjoy the concept? Sure. You can appreciate the homage this movie pays to some of the older movies we grew up with. 3.1 Poop Sticks. I felt a bit relieved that I saw this movie- 3.1 Poop Turds’ worth. Delicious. No 5 Sticks because I still wanna come home and fear I might shat my pants.


Movie Review: The Last Exorcism

Ah The Last Exorcism. So much potential here. So far from a couple of movie fanatics I can say that there hasn’t been a horror film shot like this. It’s a documentary with interviews similar to The Office or Parks & Recreations sitcoms on NBC. This horror flick wasn’t based on any true events- a key for my interest. Either way I love me a good exorcism. Especially when I watch it with Mrs. Brownman- homegirl draws the strings of her hoodie tight and braces for scary-scene impact.

The documentary style of this film was cool. I can see the way this movie was shot and the concept of a faithless minister would warrant a 72% from Rotten Tomatoes. But then there’s the rest of the story. I won’t give much away except for the mere fact that it sucked. And there wasn’t enough scary scenes to even call this a horror movie. The ending of the movie sort of offered some redemption. But not enough to make up for little scare and an at-times weak plot.

I ask that you see this movie for me. And for free. I need to know if I’m wrong here. Mrs. Brownman felt the movie sucked…but there is something here. Something. Am I possessed myself where I am scared to give this thing any less than 4 Poop Sticks? I know it was at best 3.1 Poop Sticks out of 5. I’ll go with 3.2 Poop Sticks. Something to watch and perhaps approach with more of an artist’s mind rather than someone who wants to get scared poopless.

Movie Review: The Social Network

We finally got around to seeing The Social Network. Naturally when you watch a movie about the history of something you use a lot, i.e. Facebook, you are intrigued. A good ol’ documentary on The Discovery Channel will do. But deception, scandal, and random sex? Yea we need a movie for that. 

The Social Network was a really informative movie for me. I barely knew the story of Facebook’s existence until the lawsuits came about. But then you get the meat of who’s behind this mogul and really get to understand who Mark Zuckerberg really is. Jesse Eisenberg was pretty damn good portraying a dick, assuming that was what Mark Zukerburg really acts like. 

I’m not sure about all the hype of Justin Timberlake getting an Oscar for his performance. Don’t get me wrong, he was great. But he didn’t play enough of a part in the movie to warrant an Oscar. That what these Oscars do- find the most minuscule role to give Oscars to where the part barely had a supporting role. 

Let’s look at the movie as whole. I was beyond entertained. I had to pee, but knew dialogue was key to this flick- I willingly didn’t want to miss a line. So imagine the Poop Sticks I’d give this where I chose to risk a kidney infection over peeing. 4.5 Poop Sticks. Entertaining as balls for a movie with no death. And I took quite a relieving leak after the movie- so 4.5 Pee Streams outta 5! What the heck am I even talking about???  

Zombie Salma

Brownman: the world is now run by zombies. salma hayek was just bit but wants you to make love to her before she turns zombie. would you do it? you aren’t sure you’ll end up being a zombie by just doing her. its a gray area in zombieonics

Bellies: i do it

Brownman: really…that’d freak me the fuck out

Bellies: lol

Milking Cats

A while back a coworker and I were scolded for not being at our desk for 20 minutes straight. Ok, let’s forget the fact that we’re all adults here. The funnier portion was the boss’ explanation of why we need to be at our seats.

“Guys” Cunt began, “you can’t be leaving your desk for so long. You need to be at your desk all the time. I got my boss asking where everyone is- you can’t. Then at this time it gets crazy and everything is duhtz-dhutz-dhutz-dhutz!” she made a…I think hectic motion with her hands as she said her “duhtz”.

“Um, it gets what now?” I asked.

“Crazy around this time of the day.”

“No…that noise you made.”


“Yea that one- sounds like Ben Stiller in ‘Meet the Parents’ when he milked the cat…”

My coworker bowed his head in embarrassment. “Milking the cat’s nipples” he mumbled.

“What? What you mean?” the Cunt asked. Luckily, she isn’t American and watches real movies.

“Nothing. We won’t leave our desks as often.”

Movie Review: Kick-Ass!

We saw this “Kick-Ass!” movie on PPV this past weekend. Well, it isn’t as “Kick-Ass!” as every friend on Facebook said. I certainly lowered expectations getting ready to watch this movie, and I should have lowered it further. Don’t get me wrong, the story and action was pretty fun…but the movie just lacked the humor I expected. There was potential, but I expected more when using this one particular chunky guy that played the friend of the Kick-Ass! hero. This chunky guy is a real wise ass in other movies; I felt he could have been utilized further.

I gotta admit though, watching a little girl kick ass as a super hero made me want to make one of my own. I’d raise her to kill people in secret behind mommy’s back, especially those at work. And she’d only use the “C” word (cunt) for good, dropping it whenever people piss her off.

Overall, Netflix or borrow from a friend- because there isn’t a good enough poop to take away from this movie. I give it 2.9 Poop Sticks out of 5- I was not satisfied afterwards and wanted to rent another movie when I was done since I didn’t get my fill.