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English Jew on Fire


Brownman: i wanna ask English her weight. based on height and girth, i think we weigh almost the same. so the other day (stop me if i told u this), they got cupcakes on Good Friday and she started talking about how its passover…and she cant have cupcakes, and it isnt fair cuz she’s (all of a sudden) jewish. So goes on to say that she and this other chick in the office (who is also jewish, lesbian-style) are gonna bring in motzah balls and not share with us non-Jews

Mrs. Brownman: lol wow

Brownman: blah blah whine whine about jewishness

Mrs. Brownman: douchey

Brownman:  A coworker dude was saying that in the conference room (only a few feet away) they heard her whine with the door closed during this rant. Him and whoever else was in the room began bitching her out instead of carrying on with his meeting. She always complains!

Brownman: and then today she says how if u have a dog, the dog has to eat kosher too.

else u gotta give the dog to someone to watch during Passover.

Mrs. Brownman: lol WHAT?

Brownman: well u know what u hoe beast? apologize for taking our savior and innocently killing a man, then maybe we will respect one of your 450 holidays

Mrs. Brownman: lol for realz and as reparations u should give us cupcakes

Brownman: yes filled with unkosher goodness

Mrs. Brownman: while u eat balls

Brownman: yes, ur motzy messy balls can be enjoyed year-round…i dont care if u eat them in front of me in ur chosen elite club. she says some really inappropriate anti-christian stuff i swear. i heard one time there were christian activities going on downstairs outside the office building. and she said “oh those crazy christians are at it again” Coworker dude was baffled…cuz he said he was the christian she told that too. i mean…ur telling me curling ur side burns, not showering, and wearing nerf frizbees isnt crazy? touching food and calling it kosher isnt extreme?

Women Give Men Oral Cancer


As per this article:

http://articles.nydailynews.com/2011-02-22/entertainment/28639602_1_oral-cancer-hpv-vaccines-cervical-cancer

Black dudes were always right. Don’t go down on a bitch.

“Researchers found a 225% increase in oral cancer cases in the U.S. from 1974 to 2007, mainly among white men… The more oral-sex partners a man had, the greater his cancer risk”

What if it’s a dark dude with white chicks? Guess it doesn’t really matter because the darker you are the less likely you are to engage in much oraling. I mean, sex is just good. Why put your woman at risk for a UTI or yeast-escapade when your penis is probably one of the more cleaner parts of the body, sans balls.

Asians and their habits


Brownman: 2 questions actually.

1) why do elder asians spit so much? they are not jewish, thus no phlegm could build-up from all the hard “h”‘s and many “c”s

Asian Friend: lol I don’t know why…We just like to spit

Brownman: 2) why don’t most asians possess common courtesy? one of them cut me in the line to the ATM machine this morning, and didn’t even end up using the machine right away as she fumbled for her stupid asian atm card. i will not accept “well we can’t see as a race”. that lack-of-vision excuse is old…i want answers dammit. the floor is yours.

Asian Friend: I would have punched her. We asians are superior to all other races. Why should we wait on line?

Brownman:  because you bombed Hawaii. what communist bombs hawaii? clearly your race is no friend of america when you bomb an oasis

Asian Friend: We built the railroads

Brownman: no wonder the trains are always delayed, you built them too curvy…”slanted” if u will

Asian Friend: haha

Brownman: lots of derailment

Asian Friend: i hate you

Haircut


I had a classic case of “what the hell” today. Not as extreme as “what the fucks” where you’re like “seriously? That’s why I’m stuck here late at work? ’cause you can’t do your job?” No I was more in a “really? That’s what you’re focused on while someone is dead?” moment. 

The guy that sits next to me at work seemed to have also gotten a haircut the same weekend I got mine. His is barely noticeable- he typically has short hair regardless. I, on the other hand, let my Indian-thick bush sprout from the depths of my head and get lazy…it might be up to a month before you see my scalp again. 

Yet 2 people ask this coworker: “hey you got a haircut? It’s short, looks good.”

I don’t need the compliment. I’m neither diva nor chick. But really? Am I that irrelevant that my haircut goes unnoticed? Am I that much of a fly on the wall or obviously non-white that my haircut serves no greater good at work?

I was right in being pissed at the immigrant barber for not understanding what a “Ben Affleck” haircut was.

Tickets


[14:07] Brownman: so by mondayish we should see a package that welcomes us as Season Ticket holders for the NY Giants!
[14:11] Brownman: i had to facebook it
[14:12] Brownman: just had to
[14:12] Brownman: its either i facebook about the tickets and my excitement
[14:12] Brownman: or jizz in my pants
[14:12] Brownman: and well, i’m at work

[14:16] Tex Mex: lmao

Valentine’s Day As Per Growing Up


I am not a romantic. I grew up in a world where you buy cheap CVS balloons, chocolates, and cards for your school sweetheart on Valentine’s Day or their birthday. And you purchase on the day of the event for fear of storing at home where your parents would see you wasting your lunch money on all that V-day “crap”. Plus, walking with that crap to school made you look like a ‘tard so you’d hit up the CVS or stationary store closest to school and dump the crap in your sweetheart’s lap before 1st period began so she could carry it around all day. 

I’d like to say I evolved since my junior and high school days thanks to movies and television, but like most men post-school we’re dating or married to a more sophisticated hoe than school and in the media. You’re forced to be thoughtful and romantic-as-possible all year long so when Valentine’s Day rolls around you’re tapped out of original ideas. Dinner and a movie is a regular Saturday night. Anything else is way too pricey that your woman would kill you for dropping so much cheddar (money) on one night. 

And let’s face it. A guy has to think about planning well enough so that the entire night isn’t taken up. You need to allot enough time so that your lady isn’t too tired and there’s an opportunity to get some nookie. Why not? As a dude you spend so much effort that you want to relax inside the vag at the end of the day. 

I refuse to wait until Steak and BJ day on 3/14 to collect on my reward. 

Double Brunch


We went to brunch yesterday with a couple of friends. Unbeknown to us we arrived to our place of choice that an hour too early. So we went across the street to another place doing brunch. But this place lacked the one thing we want at brunch: drinks! It was 11AM and New York doesn’t serve booze until 12PM. 

I even asked our waiter for booze an he was about to until he decided to ask the time. Now our original destination served unlimited booze as long as you ordered a brunch dish. Clearly we had no intent to full up and waste the money at our interim restaurant so we ordered one dish of pancakes and one dish of scrambled eggs to split amongst 4 people. We even rehearsed a script when ordering with things like “yea we had a rough night” and “oh add a side of scrambled eggs to the pancakes” just so that we seemed pressed to just get something in our stomach and not cheap mofos that were passing time. 

In the end it didn’t matter because through the restaurant window you can easily see us cross the street to our restaurant of choice.