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English Jew on Fire


Brownman: i wanna ask English her weight. based on height and girth, i think we weigh almost the same. so the other day (stop me if i told u this), they got cupcakes on Good Friday and she started talking about how its passover…and she cant have cupcakes, and it isnt fair cuz she’s (all of a sudden) jewish. So goes on to say that she and this other chick in the office (who is also jewish, lesbian-style) are gonna bring in motzah balls and not share with us non-Jews

Mrs. Brownman: lol wow

Brownman: blah blah whine whine about jewishness

Mrs. Brownman: douchey

Brownman:  A coworker dude was saying that in the conference room (only a few feet away) they heard her whine with the door closed during this rant. Him and whoever else was in the room began bitching her out instead of carrying on with his meeting. She always complains!

Brownman: and then today she says how if u have a dog, the dog has to eat kosher too.

else u gotta give the dog to someone to watch during Passover.

Mrs. Brownman: lol WHAT?

Brownman: well u know what u hoe beast? apologize for taking our savior and innocently killing a man, then maybe we will respect one of your 450 holidays

Mrs. Brownman: lol for realz and as reparations u should give us cupcakes

Brownman: yes filled with unkosher goodness

Mrs. Brownman: while u eat balls

Brownman: yes, ur motzy messy balls can be enjoyed year-round…i dont care if u eat them in front of me in ur chosen elite club. she says some really inappropriate anti-christian stuff i swear. i heard one time there were christian activities going on downstairs outside the office building. and she said “oh those crazy christians are at it again” Coworker dude was baffled…cuz he said he was the christian she told that too. i mean…ur telling me curling ur side burns, not showering, and wearing nerf frizbees isnt crazy? touching food and calling it kosher isnt extreme?

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Another Disadvantage of being Brown


Being dark has many disadvantages. Sure, some folk politely say “gee I’d love to have your color, Brownman.” And I refrain from saying “yea but you’d never want to actually BE Indian. Just steal my color like you did my land and still remain white.” But I don’t for fear of an uncomfortable silence where I’m forced to say the obligatory “I’m just playing, I love white people.”

Sorry. Didn’t mean to get so deep. But it brings me to my point of why being this dark is a disadvantage.

Ashy skin.

I mean, c’mon. As if I don’t have enough to worry about being dark – I need to worry that my dark chocolaty skin can be frosted by a white ashy crust? So annoying. This ashyness just sneaks in and snatches onto my elbows or feet. It’s as though my own dark skin is rebelling against being dark by ashing out!

I’m sure the white folk out there would just loooove that, aye?

Goo


I get little pop ups throughout the day for e-mails I receive to my personal e-mail. The pop ups just show a certain amount of characters before it cuts off the rest of the “From” and “Subject” lines. I couldn’t help but chuckle when I saw an unread e-mail from “Dicks Sporting Goo” Yummy. Sounds like something only a woman or gay dude can stomach.

Pop Farts


First thing in the morning, I prefer to not smell crap. I mean, yea I’ll smell it on the way to work ‘cause I’m in the city. But not at 9AM in our work restrooms. I know that most men have a schedule and it’s really my fault for deciding to wash my hands when I got in to work BEFORE eating breakfast…but I can still complain. 2 of 2 stalls were taken, so that gave me a concentrated poop-smell that will forever haunt all my senses…even sight. I saw the smell…and now everyday at 9AM I will see the AM vapors surround my Pop Tart.

Fashion is weird…these pants…what the…


I am by no means a fashion expert. So if anything out of the ordinary pop up in New York City I’m gonna probably incorrectly deem it weird and punishment on the eyes. Take, for example, this new fad. Skinny grown woman wearing baggy ass pants. Slacks. And these slacks are worn all the way up…I guess in some cases right under their boob. It looks like a 5 year-old who pulled his PJ pants too high while trying to get ready for bed. Or half a onesie…a halfsie.

I personally think this is just a fad for women who got ridiculed for trying to rock skinny pants and jeans with no ass. The assless have rejoiced in semi-fitted MC Hammer pants. Here’s an example:

Asians and their habits


Brownman: 2 questions actually.

1) why do elder asians spit so much? they are not jewish, thus no phlegm could build-up from all the hard “h”‘s and many “c”s

Asian Friend: lol I don’t know why…We just like to spit

Brownman: 2) why don’t most asians possess common courtesy? one of them cut me in the line to the ATM machine this morning, and didn’t even end up using the machine right away as she fumbled for her stupid asian atm card. i will not accept “well we can’t see as a race”. that lack-of-vision excuse is old…i want answers dammit. the floor is yours.

Asian Friend: I would have punched her. We asians are superior to all other races. Why should we wait on line?

Brownman:  because you bombed Hawaii. what communist bombs hawaii? clearly your race is no friend of america when you bomb an oasis

Asian Friend: We built the railroads

Brownman: no wonder the trains are always delayed, you built them too curvy…”slanted” if u will

Asian Friend: haha

Brownman: lots of derailment

Asian Friend: i hate you

The Boss is Ready for His Load


My gay boss is out…and this coworker and i are cracking up here. We’re speculating why he’s out. Many a gay joke right now. He has been growing a beard all week and last night mentioned he had a date…So naturally we’re talking about him being able to retain a load via said beard. Or…him growing a beard in anticipation to combat any incoming razor burns. We figure women shave for a date, gay dudes beard-up for one…and the jokes continued.