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Loss in the Family

My poor wife recently lost her grandmother over the weekend. Not cool, but we’re glad she’s off in a better place with her husband who passed 9 years earlier. We were also glad to have seen her off on her journey before passing; naturally it broke my heart to see the entire family so broken. Her death was swift and unexpected while in the hospital, but it helps that she didn’t put the entire family through months or years of being ill: certainly a toll on everyone at that point.

My wife’s grandmother was a huge Boston sports fan. She bided the family adieu early Sunday AM, and on Saturday the Bruins just came off a double OT win and the Red Sox beat the Angels out on the west coast an hour or 2 earlier.

Brownman: celtics also had won yesterday for your granmoms. good for her

Mrs. Brownman: aw that’s right

Brownman: write down which NY team doesnt win for me if im the first of us to go. then please send an angry letter to them. drop multiple “C” words for me. i like that word

Mrs. Brownman: lol ok


Save My Ass

[09:09] Brownman: you and i are hanging out in a mall. Something in my anus flares up and the only way to help me relieve the pain is for you to squeeze the puss out of said flared up skin. will you save me the pain before i pass out?

[09:10] Tex Mex: yes, your my friend

[09:10] Brownman: i will debate before i did it for you. i might get someone else in the mall to help.
[09:11] Brownman: nothing personal, i trust ur anus

[09:11] Tex Mex: i understand
[09:11] Tex Mex: im different then you that’s why, i dont think twice about helping
[09:12] Tex Mex: if u were just a random friend, i would call mall security and let them deal with you

[09:12] Brownman: i dont feel a bias…i just hate gross things
[09:12] Brownman: u, my mom, john from accounting
[09:12] Brownman: ur bodies are all gross to me

[09:13] Tex Mex: hence why u would never do anal with Mrs. Brownman, i get it.
[09:13] Tex Mex: lol

Fatherly Love

I used to have what I thought to be a nervous tick. Before I would ever speak to someone I’d mumble “hmm hmm” before saying something. Then it got to the point where I’d just say “hmm hmm” every other minute. I must have been 9 years old or so at the time.

My father would constantly catch me saying it and go “what the hell is this ‘hmm hmm’ bullshit? Stop that crap now!” After enough yelling and probably a punishment or two I ceased all “hmm hmm”s and grew a somewhat normal life. I guess this Father’s Day I can thank my father for scaring the nervous tick out of me. I’ll probably just beat it out of my kids, but a great strategy nonetheless.

De Ja Vu for the Poo Poo

What the hell. I go downstairs for my morning ritual and I see a tiny little piece of paper peeking back at me from the very back of the toilet hole. It’s almost saying “go ahead poopie boy, take a chance and see why I’m still stuck.” Now I’m like any guy- if the toilet gets clogged it’s because I’ve been constipated. But seeing only toilet paper in the bowl I can safely assume this was some female’s doing. And we do have a female guest in the house. I will protect her identity by not letting you know she is closely related to my fiancee.

I definitely didn’t chance a squat because I’ve been in situations where the toilet looked clogged but I hoped it wasn’t and proceed to drop what I owed mother nature because I just didn’t have the time to ensure the toilet was crap-ready. And then what happens? A bowl that won’t flush and a messy situation. So I went ahead and flushed the toilet to confirm what I already suspected using my CSI skills, and the toilet indeed struggled to get any water down.

I’m filing this blog under “Family Drama” ’cause there’s beef in River City.

First IM

I don’t think I’ll remember the first time I ever used IM. No doubt it was with AOL on dial up back in high school. Mid 90’s I’m sure. Wonder who I IMed first. Well over 10 years later, I will not forget the first IM ever I had with my mother only a few days ago. The woman is 50 and via Facebook, I was able to confirm what she would be cooking for dinner for Fifi (fiancée) and me. Thank goodness for IM.

One Too Many Bumps

My mother, infamous for bumping her car into other objects…may have bumped her car into one too many things. Her car used to be gray…I pull up to my parents’ driveway and I now see a white car!

They probably are getting the bumper fixed of her original car and have this loaner in the interim. I know the last bump forced my father to use a baseball bat to work out the deep dent. Oh mother.

Lessons Learned from a Father-in-law

Fifi (fiancée), her parents and me were all hanging in the living room and carrying on conversation. Father-by-soon-to-be-law was talking about the ready-to-pour Long Island Ice Tea drink he brought down with him, and how there wasn’t enough kick to it. He kept mentioning how it needed a “floater”, something to give the drink more bite like extra vodka or gin.

“Oh that’s a ‘floater’?” Fifi asked. “I keep thinking of poop when you say that word.”

“Nah. Although a ‘floater’ in that sense isn’t a good thing…means you got high fat content if it’s floating.”

Everyone chuckled except for me. “Now now, this has got me thinking about my last one and if it floated or not.”

“You have to think that far back?” mother-by-law said.

“No, just trying to remember content,” I said. I really didn’t have to think that far back, last trip to the toilet was maybe earlier in the day. But I didn’t want to mention that in case Fifi wanted to bone that night. I don’t want her thinking how I’m not as fresh as could be.

But good to know that my poo shouldn’t float.