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Terrorist? Not me…lest we forget…

I sent this e-mail out today at work (click on the link, it’s safe for work):
“What to do when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to you…
1. Remove your laptop from your briefcase
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3. Turn it on
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking
5. Access the Internet
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you
9. Have a nice trip!”
Moments later I get this e-mail from the crazy pregnant chick on the e-mail thread:
“I guess this would be the wrong time to tell you my father in law and uncle both died on 9/11.
I get the humor in this, but its still hard to laugh.”
To which I replied:
“Argh. Sorry L ”
Despite her sitting across from me I had a problem bringing it up in the office. No need for a lecture.
She replied:
“Its cool.
Don’t exclude me from future jokes though”
And now I hear her talking to whom I assume is her husband on the phone. “I put a smiley face in it though, I was nice about it…”


Blackout At Brownmans

There was a blackout for approximately 30 minutes in my town yesterday. We had no idea how long the outage would last so it was a scramble to try and contact the power company. The internet on our iPhones was beyond spotty when we needed it most but luckily our cells did work. Of course we have no hardwired phones at home so the wireless phones were down as well. When we did get service back there was an automated phone call from the power company which gave estimated times as to when power would be restored- clearly a message of no use when the phone call would only have come through had we a hard wired phone.

When we did reach the power company via cell phone we were told the outage was going to last up to 3 hours.  So the only option at that point was to…talk…to Mrs. Brownman with candles lit in the background.

“Wanna play Scrabble?” I asked her.

“Sure. Wanna play Scategories?”

“Um yea, sure.”

“Too bad I didn’t get to hit the showers yet or else we’d have sex.”

“I’m tired, let’s just lay here and sleep.”

It’s funny how nowadays nature’s contraceptives include TV, Facebook, and lack of a woman shaving her legs.

10 Things I Hate About New Jersey: No Left Turns and the Jersey Roads

I’ll start off simple: I really hate the fact that there are no left turns in New Jersey on many roads. Instead, you need to permanently drive in the right lane should you need to take a road designated to take you off road and eventually allow you your left turn at a light. A “jug handle” they’re called. So if you finally spot a restaurant or gas station you need to get to on the opposite road behind but it’s separated by a road island and a simple left turn…you’re best bet is to drive 2 miles further to finally make that U-turn. What the hell?

We also ventured on the Garden State Parkway that is just queer. They tell you to stay in an EZ Pass lane if you have one. But then the parkway divides and on the right some people have to stop and pay toll- yet there is no exit. So here I am, in the EZ Pass lane bypassing this toll that just joins the road again- but that toll also has one for EZ Pass people also. So why 2 EZ Pass lanes? Why the toll? What the hell?

And the tolls. The endless amount of tolls. The major roads require tolls. For a state that takes all my toll money, you’d expect a nice experience and no shitty areas. But let’s face it- New Jersey is one hell hole that should be revoked of its membership to these United States.

I have much more to hate about New Jersey, the Brown Man in his New York City is not done. So far I hate their roads and tolls. BOILS my water. This state makes NO sense.