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English Jew on Fire

Brownman: i wanna ask English her weight. based on height and girth, i think we weigh almost the same. so the other day (stop me if i told u this), they got cupcakes on Good Friday and she started talking about how its passover…and she cant have cupcakes, and it isnt fair cuz she’s (all of a sudden) jewish. So goes on to say that she and this other chick in the office (who is also jewish, lesbian-style) are gonna bring in motzah balls and not share with us non-Jews

Mrs. Brownman: lol wow

Brownman: blah blah whine whine about jewishness

Mrs. Brownman: douchey

Brownman:  A coworker dude was saying that in the conference room (only a few feet away) they heard her whine with the door closed during this rant. Him and whoever else was in the room began bitching her out instead of carrying on with his meeting. She always complains!

Brownman: and then today she says how if u have a dog, the dog has to eat kosher too.

else u gotta give the dog to someone to watch during Passover.

Mrs. Brownman: lol WHAT?

Brownman: well u know what u hoe beast? apologize for taking our savior and innocently killing a man, then maybe we will respect one of your 450 holidays

Mrs. Brownman: lol for realz and as reparations u should give us cupcakes

Brownman: yes filled with unkosher goodness

Mrs. Brownman: while u eat balls

Brownman: yes, ur motzy messy balls can be enjoyed year-round…i dont care if u eat them in front of me in ur chosen elite club. she says some really inappropriate anti-christian stuff i swear. i heard one time there were christian activities going on downstairs outside the office building. and she said “oh those crazy christians are at it again” Coworker dude was baffled…cuz he said he was the christian she told that too. i mean…ur telling me curling ur side burns, not showering, and wearing nerf frizbees isnt crazy? touching food and calling it kosher isnt extreme?

Movie Review: Insidious

I went with 7-8 male coworkers the other day for a “boys night out” viewing of the movie “Insidious”. To sum up: 8 dudes, dark theater, and a scary movie. I think we messed the night up by passing up on bars to chew on franks and nuts while jumping in our seats.

That aside, I must admit it’s weird not seeing a movie with Mrs. Brownman. I opted to sit by myself 1 row in front of the other dudes so I can just turn around and keep up with all the conversations. So essentially I was by myself and felt like more of a loser than had I just sat next to one of the dudes. I’ll say it. Movies must suck if you’re single.

On to the movie. It was shot with real actors as the “demons” in this horror movie and delivered a throwback to old school horror flicks: scary parts happened when you expected them thanks to the loud ass music. It was almost scary to see a shadow accompanied by a loud bang on the piano. Simple yet classic. So chalk up a point for the way the movie was shot.

The plot- eh it’s alright. I found myself laughing a lot during the movie. Absurd in some areas, the acting/casting was weird…especially the lead chick. She played “Jackie Q” in “Get Him to the Greek” so it was weird to see someone with a British accent singing about anal sex now play the role of a scared mother.

Do you get scared in this movie? Not to the point where you believe these things will come and get you. Do you enjoy the concept? Sure. You can appreciate the homage this movie pays to some of the older movies we grew up with. 3.1 Poop Sticks. I felt a bit relieved that I saw this movie- 3.1 Poop Turds’ worth. Delicious. No 5 Sticks because I still wanna come home and fear I might shat my pants.

Pass this over

Sorry for the hiatus from blogging. I can’t decide if this is fun anymore. But I digress.

No, I’m not Jewish so I wasn’t celebrating. But funny you brought that up. We got this chick at work that is all-of-a-sudden Jew because she heard that there’s a free trip to Israel if you are in fact Jewish. I’ve referenced her as “English” in the past. English has become hardcore Jew since her trip from what I’m told, even though her mother isn’t the one who’s Jewish.

In her out-of-office e-mail this past Tuesday, she put “I’m out of the office for Passover…” Really? You gotta let the world know why you’re out…especially ‘cause of Passover? What if that offends me?

Which it should offend me. I mean, when she left for her Passoverings Monday night she let us all know she’ll be out for Passover but still working late at night. As she said good night a coworker replied “happy holiday”. I wanted to say “yea, thanks for killing my savior you hoe”.

Hmm, maybe I do like blogging. Very therapeutic.

Pop Farts

First thing in the morning, I prefer to not smell crap. I mean, yea I’ll smell it on the way to work ‘cause I’m in the city. But not at 9AM in our work restrooms. I know that most men have a schedule and it’s really my fault for deciding to wash my hands when I got in to work BEFORE eating breakfast…but I can still complain. 2 of 2 stalls were taken, so that gave me a concentrated poop-smell that will forever haunt all my senses…even sight. I saw the smell…and now everyday at 9AM I will see the AM vapors surround my Pop Tart.

The Boss is Ready for His Load

My gay boss is out…and this coworker and i are cracking up here. We’re speculating why he’s out. Many a gay joke right now. He has been growing a beard all week and last night mentioned he had a date…So naturally we’re talking about him being able to retain a load via said beard. Or…him growing a beard in anticipation to combat any incoming razor burns. We figure women shave for a date, gay dudes beard-up for one…and the jokes continued.

Why We Love Charlie Sheen

In the age of Charlie Sheen-ism, here’s a video to sum up what we love about him:

Terrorist? Not me…lest we forget…

I sent this e-mail out today at work (click on the link, it’s safe for work):
“What to do when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to you…
1. Remove your laptop from your briefcase
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3. Turn it on
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking
5. Access the Internet
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you
9. Have a nice trip!”
Moments later I get this e-mail from the crazy pregnant chick on the e-mail thread:
“I guess this would be the wrong time to tell you my father in law and uncle both died on 9/11.
I get the humor in this, but its still hard to laugh.”
To which I replied:
“Argh. Sorry L ”
Despite her sitting across from me I had a problem bringing it up in the office. No need for a lecture.
She replied:
“Its cool.
Don’t exclude me from future jokes though”
And now I hear her talking to whom I assume is her husband on the phone. “I put a smiley face in it though, I was nice about it…”

Riding Solo

I had to take the train into the city today without my wife for the first time in a long time since working in the city again. I don’t like it. Yea I miss her, it’s valentines day, blah blah blah. 

But more so, I ain’t got my buffer. I would sit on the 2-seaters on the train and I get stinky dudes sit in the empty seat next to me. I try to get off the train and that person being shoved up my ass behind me isn’t Mrs. Brownman. I end up paying more attention to annoying New Yorkers. 

I guess the 2 people that still read this blog benefit from my bitching. Good for you. 

Serious Stall Issues

I have blogged before about a toilet that doesn’t work correctly at work. It’s a situation where the sensor doesn’t recognize you and the flush button doesn’t work. But if the other stall is taken and you really gotta spew musical notes from your hieney, you gotta squat like a man. 

What sucks is that one time I totally forgot this to be the case. So I hit the stall and was faced with the need to droppa ‘shima. And with the functional stall occupied I just proceeded to drop. And without changing up my plop-plop-flush routine to crap, I was faced with the need to flush and the inability to do so. 

Which meant I had to stand up and lean forward before the toilet would flush itself. And that ran the risk of drip. Yes I know. It was a mess and acrobatic act all in one. 

Getting the Goods Out

Sometimes I need to preface my schlong prior to taking a leak in the winter due to all the layers I wear. That includes a layer of boxers, pj pants, and jeans. That’s 3 holes before I can evacuate my urine-lined bladder and in an emergency I can easily drench a layer if I don’t time bathroom trip in time. A true issue later on in the day when I go from urinal to urinal looking for a clear one that doesn’t have remnant pee. 

Naturally I play a game of “Find the Wang” every morning when a path isn’t set for the first urinal visit. The winter doesn’t agree with the cold New York male.