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The Adventures of Brownman and Darkie: Teletubby


If there were a term back in the day for the relationship between Darkie and me I’d have to dub it as “bromance”. Were we weird? Yah. My pops would say we’re both gay but we were just good friends. How good?

Well I met a chick via a chat room on AOL back in the day. She was a weirdo. I think she was 19 like me at the time and was way into the Teletubbies. Her screen name was Teletubby-related. And she was Indian. Yea all just weird. After seeing her once or twice, she never called me back. I was kind of upset because I felt I was the one who shouldn’t be calling HER back!

So like any annoyed teenager I went to my boy Darkie to seek revenge. I told him to go into the chat rooms and woo her into meeting him. Then he’ll get her to fall in love with him and he would break up with her. Logical, right?

Oh, and like Synbad (see previous Adventures of Brownman and Darkie), we planned on one day having her meet us by White Castle when Darkie dumps her and we tackle her. Logical, I know. Parents, keep your kids out of chat rooms and online as a whole.

Off we went with our plan. Darkie eventually got Teletubby to meet him. She even came back to his house which was next door to mine. She even told him “wow, I feel like I’ve been here before…”

After the first date was over Darkie had me come over to his basement where he put on the video camera…there she was. This guy got her to admit how many times they banged. It was 4 times short of 10. I didn’t think this was going to go the way we planned…

“Yea, I’m gonna keep trying to get her to fall for me man. Plan is still in effect.”

And after 3 weeks we ended up going with our family to Canada for a wedding. There he admitted to missing Teletubby and even loving her. Classic movie plot right there! I eventually revealed myself to her since they were officially going out, but clearly I never mentioned our plot.

But Teletubby revealed her true self after a few months. She stopped calling Darkie and ultimately pissed him off. Finally, our plan was back on track. But it was hard to get her to meet Darkie again so we ended up terrorizing her. Sigh, I’m not proud of this but holy crap is it funny.

First it started with just eating White Castle outside her house after hitting the clubs, then tossing the garbage in her parent’s yard. We were drunkish so White Castle was the best food after a club. It was Darkie’s “stakeout” and of course I went along.

Then Darkie took it a step further…we ended up spray painting her house things like “Teletubby’s Whore House” and “A Hoe Lives Here”. The spray painting, egging, and bottle-tossing ended after a while when we noticed they installed cameras. Teletubby never knew it was us terrorizing her or at least never confronted Darkie about it. He has since moved on- but the occasional joke will pop up from time to time.

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2 Responses

  1. So I’ve been reading about your adventures with Darkie and this is what I have to say…
    1. You are successfully perpetuating stereotypes about brown boys
    2. You have no shame. That record shop salesclerk could have been your aunt twice-removed.
    3. I am mildly afraid of you

    • I have some shame. Some. Little. Well you know what? I’m going to justify my actions with the mere fact that I was young and stupid. So yea. NO shame! Brown people, ghetto people, we’re all the same dumb people at 19ish.

      Don’t worry, you’re safe up there in Canada. The brownies are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay nice up north. Brown-lite.

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