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Probably Should Be Wearing Shoes in My Own Bathroom


We had some people over yesterday afternoon to get our BBQ on. Oh, that’s street for “we were partaking in a barbecuing social event at the house of my fiancée and me. Bullocks.” The BBQ was a surprise shindig for Fifi (fiancée)’s bridal shower.

So we only offer our first floor bathroom for our guests to use since it is the closest one to our backyard. And that means guys too. Now I trust walking around in my bathroom on a normal day barefeet because I know I barely splash when peeing, and I’m sober about 99% of the time I use one of our bathrooms.

But throw in a bunch of dudes who have been drinking and then it’s a pee party on our tiles. Knowing this I still had to use this particular restroom this morning due to too many ribs and an angry stomach. Before I pooed my little tummy away (see what I did there? I made pooping sound sorta cute and tolerable because I threw in words like “little” and “tummy”) I dropped some toilet paper on the seat for protection from the women that’s also used the bowl. We had kids there too, didn’t want to mix my ass with theirs and go to jail.

I would have used one of the 2 bathrooms upstairs that no guests were using, but Fifi is sleeping within earshot of either one….and I knew my bumhole had a story to tell that I didn’t want my lady to hear. Maybe when we are married and she can’t leave me without it being an effort to bounce, will I start piping on the same floor. Because we all know “loud and obnoxious dumping” is not a legitimate reason on divorce papers.

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One Response

  1. Damn babe we JUST talked about this. I’ll clean it I promise.

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