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All Weddings Are A Destination for Whites


Fifi (fiancee) and I were talking about destination weddings, and I mentioned that for white people almost all weddings must be a destination wedding for whites. Porque? Glad you asked Gomez.

I just simply put a mathematical equation together: most white people move away from their hometown with likely 2-4 states in between them and their family (or 2-4 countries if you’re using the English measuring system). Add that with the fact that most white folk don’t talk to many people in their family (whether it be by choice or simply not caring anymore), multiply that by Pi and you get an invite to an estranged cousin who is finally getting married back in Mr. Whiteman’s hometown which now is either a long drive or plane ride away.

Certainly Mr. Whiteman will end up making friends in his new town, but chances are those people are married already or don’t warrant a visit from Mr. Whiteman for the wedding of the friend’s cousin’s uncle. Throw in minorities to replace Whiteman and you’ll get a totally different story: we go to almost any wedding. Plus, we live no more than 2-4 towns away from family since we talk to everyone and chances are there’s at least one family member in every state (or country if you’re using Indian metrics).

I expect there to be exceptions to this rule, but the South whites don’t count because they marry their own relatives so everyone is family in every town…and they all probably get married at the same church anyways.

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2 Responses

  1. Fuck weddings. Everytime a third-cousin decides to get married, I have to drop 2 Gs on tickets, sacrifice 68 hours of travel time, buy elaborate dresses that I’ll only wear once… and then arrive at 4 AM to listen to cracks about my accent and my weight. Yup, being brown is good.

    • Brown means they’re in town…and likely down the road so no need to drop the 2Gs…and chances are everyone else is as fat as Oprah post-weight loss failure. We’re big like that.

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