Brown Man, Big City

Cars will be smashed

brownmancity — Mon, 16 May 2011 12:08:25 +0000

I am trying to be a good person with my cars. I get it. People will bump into them in parking lots and what not. But what about the frigging cunt who hits her door into the side of your car while YOU are still in it? Clearly she was scrambling so she couldn’t be bothered. I wanted to yell at the cunt. But Mrs. Brownman and I had to catch the train. Mrs. Brownman said I could stand back and wait for an apology I won’t get anyways, but she had to catch the train.

All this just boils down to one thing. Women can’t really care for their possessions unless it’s their nails or hair. Leave them to care for their cars, tvs, phones….you’ll either find these things banged up or thrown on the floor in anger. Sheesh.

English Jew on Fire

brownmancity — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 03:01:38 +0000

Brownman: i wanna ask English her weight. based on height and girth, i think we weigh almost the same. so the other day (stop me if i told u this), they got cupcakes on Good Friday and she started talking about how its passover…and she cant have cupcakes, and it isnt fair cuz she’s (all of a sudden) jewish. So goes on to say that she and this other chick in the office (who is also jewish, lesbian-style) are gonna bring in motzah balls and not share with us non-Jews

Mrs. Brownman: lol wow

Brownman: blah blah whine whine about jewishness

Mrs. Brownman: douchey

Brownman: A coworker dude was saying that in the conference room (only a few feet away) they heard her whine with the door closed during this rant. Him and whoever else was in the room began bitching her out instead of carrying on with his meeting. She always complains!

Brownman: and then today she says how if u have a dog, the dog has to eat kosher too.

else u gotta give the dog to someone to watch during Passover.

Mrs. Brownman: lol WHAT?

Brownman: well u know what u hoe beast? apologize for taking our savior and innocently killing a man, then maybe we will respect one of your 450 holidays

Mrs. Brownman: lol for realz and as reparations u should give us cupcakes

Brownman: yes filled with unkosher goodness

Mrs. Brownman: while u eat balls

Brownman: yes, ur motzy messy balls can be enjoyed year-round…i dont care if u eat them in front of me in ur chosen elite club. she says some really inappropriate anti-christian stuff i swear. i heard one time there were christian activities going on downstairs outside the office building. and she said “oh those crazy christians are at it again” Coworker dude was baffled…cuz he said he was the christian she told that too. i mean…ur telling me curling ur side burns, not showering, and wearing nerf frizbees isnt crazy? touching food and calling it kosher isnt extreme?

Loss in the Family

brownmancity — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 02:59:18 +0000

My poor wife recently lost her grandmother over the weekend. Not cool, but we’re glad she’s off in a better place with her husband who passed 9 years earlier. We were also glad to have seen her off on her journey before passing; naturally it broke my heart to see the entire family so broken. Her death was swift and unexpected while in the hospital, but it helps that she didn’t put the entire family through months or years of being ill: certainly a toll on everyone at that point.

My wife’s grandmother was a huge Boston sports fan. She bided the family adieu early Sunday AM, and on Saturday the Bruins just came off a double OT win and the Red Sox beat the Angels out on the west coast an hour or 2 earlier.

Brownman: celtics also had won yesterday for your granmoms. good for her

Mrs. Brownman: aw that’s right

Brownman: write down which NY team doesnt win for me if im the first of us to go. then please send an angry letter to them. drop multiple “C” words for me. i like that word

Mrs. Brownman: lol ok

Another Disadvantage of being Brown

brownmancity — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 13:03:19 +0000

Being dark has many disadvantages. Sure, some folk politely say “gee I’d love to have your color, Brownman.” And I refrain from saying “yea but you’d never want to actually BE Indian. Just steal my color like you did my land and still remain white.” But I don’t for fear of an uncomfortable silence where I’m forced to say the obligatory “I’m just playing, I love white people.”

Sorry. Didn’t mean to get so deep. But it brings me to my point of why being this dark is a disadvantage.

Ashy skin.

I mean, c’mon. As if I don’t have enough to worry about being dark – I need to worry that my dark chocolaty skin can be frosted by a white ashy crust? So annoying. This ashyness just sneaks in and snatches onto my elbows or feet. It’s as though my own dark skin is rebelling against being dark by ashing out!

I’m sure the white folk out there would just loooove that, aye?

Goo

brownmancity — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 13:00:51 +0000

I get little pop ups throughout the day for e-mails I receive to my personal e-mail. The pop ups just show a certain amount of characters before it cuts off the rest of the “From” and “Subject” lines. I couldn’t help but chuckle when I saw an unread e-mail from “Dicks Sporting Goo” Yummy. Sounds like something only a woman or gay dude can stomach.

Movie Review: Insidious

brownmancity — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 12:59:17 +0000

I went with 7-8 male coworkers the other day for a “boys night out” viewing of the movie “Insidious”. To sum up: 8 dudes, dark theater, and a scary movie. I think we messed the night up by passing up on bars to chew on franks and nuts while jumping in our seats.

That aside, I must admit it’s weird not seeing a movie with Mrs. Brownman. I opted to sit by myself 1 row in front of the other dudes so I can just turn around and keep up with all the conversations. So essentially I was by myself and felt like more of a loser than had I just sat next to one of the dudes. I’ll say it. Movies must suck if you’re single.

On to the movie. It was shot with real actors as the “demons” in this horror movie and delivered a throwback to old school horror flicks: scary parts happened when you expected them thanks to the loud ass music. It was almost scary to see a shadow accompanied by a loud bang on the piano. Simple yet classic. So chalk up a point for the way the movie was shot.

The plot- eh it’s alright. I found myself laughing a lot during the movie. Absurd in some areas, the acting/casting was weird…especially the lead chick. She played “Jackie Q” in “Get Him to the Greek” so it was weird to see someone with a British accent singing about anal sex now play the role of a scared mother.

Do you get scared in this movie? Not to the point where you believe these things will come and get you. Do you enjoy the concept? Sure. You can appreciate the homage this movie pays to some of the older movies we grew up with. 3.1 Poop Sticks. I felt a bit relieved that I saw this movie- 3.1 Poop Turds’ worth. Delicious. No 5 Sticks because I still wanna come home and fear I might shat my pants.

India at the TGIF

brownmancity — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 21:41:28 +0000

My cousin and I hit up a TGIF for lunch. Bunch of Indian dudes waiting tables. Cool. No issues. Just get us a seat.

Oh goodie, a seat on a platform away from the rest of the tables- in the middle of all the corner tables. So, we’re in the center of ALL these tables. Hmm. Kind of calls us out amongst all these other white people, see as we’re the only 2 Indians encircled by white people. You gotta side with us, right?

Nay.

Not one Indian dude showed us love until I asked a random one to get us service. 15 minutes waiting for anyone to take our order. Bitchass-skinny-Indian-dude finally takes our order and it finally shows up. A good 25 minutes later, while waiting to order another drink, we finally just asked for 2 rounds’ worth each. I mean, it’s lunch. We want to get plastered for the rest of the work day. Work with us Indian brother.

So I had to finally ask other table attendants to get our Indian waiter to get the check. Screw that. We need to get out. We got there at around 12:40, and it was already 1:47. Really? I need to wait this long for service during LUNCH?? LUNCH??? I saw other tables getting more love.

My cousin finally decided he’d go up to the register where waiters manage bills and he handed our table’s bill to whoever was available. His intention was to pay, take a leak, and come back. I had to head on back to the office, um say, last year? So I joined him while he paid and the waiter that served us asked “what’s the matter? Was my service not good? We split the tips…”

I noticed for “gratuity” the bill recommended $15 and my cousin did only $5. I said “dude, your service sucked. Get over it.”

“But we split the tips.”

“We waited forever.” He continued to lull over the bill as we left. F that. I’m in the city, I deserve a little more respect from a fellow Indian. I mean, they have like 20 arms, don’t they?

Women Give Men Oral Cancer

brownmancity — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 19:53:40 +0000

As per this article:

http://articles.nydailynews.com/2011-02-22/entertainment/28639602_1_oral-cancer-hpv-vaccines-cervical-cancer

Black dudes were always right. Don’t go down on a bitch.

“Researchers found a 225% increase in oral cancer cases in the U.S. from 1974 to 2007, mainly among white men… The more oral-sex partners a man had, the greater his cancer risk”

What if it’s a dark dude with white chicks? Guess it doesn’t really matter because the darker you are the less likely you are to engage in much oraling. I mean, sex is just good. Why put your woman at risk for a UTI or yeast-escapade when your penis is probably one of the more cleaner parts of the body, sans balls.

Women Ain’t Entitled

brownmancity — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 19:51:21 +0000

I’m not happy how entitled women are feeling these days. F that. I get to the elevator, and by default I’ll let the ugliest most fattest broad in the world get on before I do. But these hoebags get there and don’t even wait for me to offer my spot on the invisible line for the elevator. They cut me off and walk right up to the doors when they hear that “ding!” What kinda bullspit is that? They do the same crap when they walk on the streets or wait to go up the escalators. Skip me as if I’m some Third World worker. Bitch, I make more than you by default because of my tiny pecker- back of the line like the ugly slut you are.

Still Alive

brownmancity — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 19:45:43 +0000

I got a second lease on life. I was excited because I’ll be going to a football game for my birthday this year, and I told Mrs. Brownman “yay! Birthday game! Yay turning 32!”

She said “you’re turning 31.”

I thought that one over for a bit. “Oh snap, yay! I just bought myself a full year! I’m gonna live it up now! Hooray 31!”

Guess old age isn’t agreeing with me yet.