Afraid of Americans

Growing up in New York’s public school system could be bittersweet. On one hand you get exposure to all types of races and build a tolerance to a point where all people may look funny in their skin but you still wanna be their friends. But if you grew up when I did during the 80’s you need to build a thick skin quick.

I was constantly made fun of for being “Hindu” or “Gandhi” since I was one of very few Indian-looking people. And it makes me wonder if becoming Christian was my response to being made fun of. I used to be embarassed of my parents listening to Indian music- when my friends came over I’d hide all my father’s cassettes and make sure the last channel watched on tv wasn’t the Indian channel.

Now the white man can’t get enough of our stinky food while I still dont care to associate myself with the Indian people of the world. I used to even get mad at hinting that I’m anything but a white man. Now it’s cool to be minority and ethnic.

I mean I’m a hot piece of ass, don’t get me wrong- the little color I got just adds to the mystique. “Oh you wanna know if I’m dark meat all over? Yea mang- this color doesn’t run…just blends in with sand.”

Toilet Talk: Your Momma!

Good sex sometimes bring the animal in you, and right now the inner pizza out from me. So I blog to you from the comfort of my crap throne.

And what good sex it was. Got home, lady said “a-yo…let’s do this!” and there it was. With only days before her period, Fifi realizes that we are on borrowed time for boning.

Afterwards, I just thought about how funny it was that Fifi got us into bed with a purpose. “Oh baby,” I said as I made my way around the room for my tossed clothes, “you and your antics.”

“Pfft, your mama!” Awkward silence ensued for maybe a few loud seconds. “Yea, sorry, gut reaction. That’s just weird.”

Preparation for Perv

This past weekend we went to a sweet 16 party. It was a party for my cousin’s cousin, which meant a lot of people I knew would be there since we’re all pretty close and social. Which brought up a good question only days after our Halloween party: will Pervert be there?

Now Pervert, if you read previous blogs, is the trouble maker who felt up at least 5 girls at our party who wasn’t his wife. We share the same cousin as relatives which makes it hard not to avoid him at future events. Like this past Saturday’s party.

“So if he does apologize for acting up and starting a fight at our party- we can’t just say ‘oh it’s okay’ like you do by instinct when people apologize,” I told Fifi (fiancée).

“Exactly. Because it isn’t ‘okay’ that he envoked a fight.”

“What if he doesn’t apologize, but there’s that awkward stare? Is that certified beef? Like- is it ‘on’?”

“No, we can’t start trouble.”

“Right. Reminds me of the classic verse from Negrodamus 1:13-14. ‘…and then he declared if thoust don’t start no shit, there won’t be no shit.’ Word.”

But Perv and his wife totally showed up, and totally apologized. We did good as a tag team not saying “it’s okay”.

This Week in Subway Review

Ah the MTA. For those of you 1 people out there not from NY and unfamiliar with the New York transit system- the MTA stands for Massively Traumatizing-me-and-making-late-with-weird-New-Yorkers-that-piss-my-ass-off Always. Or something remotely similar to that. I forget. But whatever. You should know this already.

-The bus skips me on what I thought was a bus stop…I mean there was another person waiting there for another bus.

-I actually got to see one of those ’sick passengers’ get sick on the train. It was on a Long Island Railroad train where a 20ish year old boy complained to the ticket collector guy that he was feeling faint. He suggested the boy get off the next stop and then he’ll have a medic there. The boy eventually just got off and said he needed fresh air.

Of course I only had a few thoughts through this entire ordeal: “Crap are we gonna be delayed?” and “Just get off and shut up. What’s a ticket collector gonna do- punch your ticket and place it back in your pocket while passed out on the floor?”

-We got one of those stupid out-of-towners who have yet to learn that you don’t lean on a pole on the train if the train is packed and others are trying to hold onto the same pole. This dirty whore leaned on a pole and my hand was in her hair probably getting crabs by way of transferring them onto the hair on the back of my hands.

-Fifi (fiancée) come in a pair now. We sit together on the train or not at all and stand by the doors. You see me talking to her on the platform- chances are I’m gonna want to sit next to her when the train finally comes in. Yet people are so into themselves that they see Fifi sit down in a seat and they seat-block her on either side. She has to get up because she doesn’t want to sit alone next to the seat-hungry old people. And blacks.

And it isn’t that I’m slow- these bitches cut me off for empty space on the train.

Eating the Soaked Biscuit

We hung out with Fifi’s coworkers last night speaking of odd topics. None more odd than the soaked biscuit.

“Hey Brown Man- you ever went to an all-boys school?”

“No, Corona, I haven’t.” For this story we’ll call him ‘Corona’ because he’s Hispanic. Yea- that’ll do.

“Oh so you don’t know anything about eating the soaked biscuit?”

“No…I assume I don’t…”

“Oh well I read on the Internet that there’s a game boys play in the bathroom-”

“Like crossing swords?” I asked.

“Um sort of, but in the end the loser eats the…cake…”

Now for a while I thought Corona meant the urinal cake that boys pee on at schools- whoever outpees the other watches the loser eat the cake.

“No ‘Man! The boys masturbate onto an actual biscuit! And it’s a game you don’t want to finish last in…to avoid eating the actual biscuit.”

Yea I was shocked too. Corona was pretty serious about all of this too. Clearly we asked all the questions:

-Is there a stall separating the 2 boys?
-Have you ever done this since you are well versed in the sport?
-Have you done this since school?
-Do you think this is straight behavior?

He answered “no” to everything, but it doesn’t explain why this is even an option out of all possible games kids can play out there.

Annoying Clients

I was sent to train a client the other day. The client and her boss must’ve left me all by myself at least 5 times for a total of 30 minutes in a 2 hour training session. I find this rude regardless of my company servicing you. They were the ones that cried, bithched, and moaned for this training session. I was about to go, then not go, 3 times before my company broke down and decided to send me.

And what did they do for the 1.5 hours that they were there? Bitch and moan rather than get trained. Oi vey!

Friggin Bus

I was in the run for my life just now as I had to take the bus today. Oh why am I taking the bus? Well I ha to leave the car with Fifi because someone had a little too much to drink last night when we hung out with her coworkers. So she needs the car for when she finally falls out of bed.

The bus always stopped where I went to get it- but for some fag reason it stopped down the road where everyone got on. This gave me a chance to run my ass off to catch it since the next bus would make me late. Assuming there is a next bus. That’s what I hate about Long Island: you have to find out everything on your own via word of mouth. Any posted information on the web about public transportation is 5 months old.

Thank goodness I didn’t wear my heels today.

Sexy Legs

Take a look- you’ll see some sexy legs. Oh yea, look at this douchebag’s stretched out legs all crossed over his vagina.

A) I know it’s comfy to cross your legs fom time to time, but in public and for the duration of the trip? Gay.

B) Getting all comfy like this on the train is NOT cool. I counted only 1 person nearly tripping over him, but that’s in only 4 minutes before I had to get off the train.

C) Gay.

Miscalculation

Fifi got pretty drunk at our Halloween party and was sick all of Sunday. I forgot this and on Monday night she went to snuggle closer to me in bed.

“Awww,” she said as she settled in. “You were looking to get lucky tonight with your lucky boxers!”

“Yea…”

“You know I’m still a little upset from yesterday…”

“Yea. I realized that after I put the boxers on. And I can’t just put ‘em back so I pretty much wasted these.”

You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party

Fight to party, not AT a party. Especially mine. Boils my water when minorities act…like minorities. It’s a fact that drinks get a minority man to revert back to his to his barbaric roots. I have cousins that are working through hot tempers when they drink thanks to level-headed girlfriends.

Unfortunately at my Halloween party this past weekend Mr. Pervert didn’t have the level-headed wife he needed to keep him from grinding up on every non-family member there. I kid you not-he even felt up on my sis-in-law who is just way too young for this guy.

Fifi began to explain how inappropriate this dude was acting and disrespecting the wives/girls of everyone there when he began getting into a shouting match with another minority there. Apparently this Pervert grabbed the hair of Fifi’s friend “D” when D’s husband went to confront “Pervert”.

D’s husband had a Corona bottle ready for bashing when I grabbed Pervert to stop him from digging a deeper hole. Pervert is my cousin’s cousin and I have known Pervert my entire life- the dude now has kids and his wife was at the party claiming to see any inappropriate behavior all night. He has never acted like this since I’ve known him.

I found out the next day from various sources that 5 females were bothered by Pervert and because of him a few people won’t be showing up to my wedding for fear of either him being there or my family being just as grabby. Unfortunately I can’t say who will behave or not, so including Pervert we are 6 less for the wedding.

The next day Pervert’s brother called me to apologize. 3 days later and I have yet to hear from Perv man himself for ruining the party. Luckily no punches were thrown nor bottles broken.

Well 1 bottle was broken earlier- but that’s because a guy dressed as the devil wore devil gloves and tried to pick up a bottle cap with them on. Needless to say with beer in hand, no one helped but rather watched the hilarious outcome. Fifi didn’t accept his apology for the broken bottle- fumbling with a devil outfit on was worth the spilt beer.