The Search For A Club

A bunch of us got together for a night of bowling and drinking in celebration of my cousin’s girlfriend’s birthday. Afterward, she wanted to hit a club in Queens, the closest area to party without going into the city. Unfortunately, we were with her brother who just turned 18. And after trying 2 clubs the need to party died quickly.

It was nipple-poke-your-out-erect kinda cold last night, so we had to wait outside the first club for maybe 10 minutes to have the 18 year-old rejected. Back in the day I remember having the same issues trying to get into the clubs- these bouncers show you no mercy unless you own a vagina. I kinda wish I had a vagina last night. Give me a place to store my freezing cock-n-balls, like a pouch.

Rough Night

Fifi (while holding head in pain from headache): Baby, can you sit on my face?

Brownman: I thought you’d never ask!

Anal Wink

I learned from the Howard Stern show how to test for a healthy anus. You gotta stroke it, and if it contracts or “winks” in reaction, then you slap a clean bill of health on that pucker. After getting a hemroid checked out at an early age, I can say mine is almost too healthy. Wonder if the ol’ sucker still got it.

That Newborn Smell

Brownman: know whats weird? my new shirt smells like newborn baby clothes. or like newborn baby itself

Fifi: why?

Brownman: mmm i dunno. i guess the GAP had an agenda?

Fifi: lol maybe

Brownman: get my clock ticking?

Fifi: they did give us a baby coupon last time we were there

Brownman: no way….are you pregnant? no you’re bleeding right now…
so this isn’t a sign…
is my sister pregnant?
no she’s synced up with you now so she’s riding the wave
what’s your sister up to in NH?
those damn kids and their hormones

I Too Know The Future

Take a look at this lame fortune predicting app for Facebook. Why do women pay attention to this crap? Lemme take a stab at it. “Don’t quit your job now, for it will bring you more money and great stability than unemployment…Drink all your milk and eat your vitamins, for your lucky day is Tuesday and you will hear from someone that day who breathes the same air as you.” Gold.

Leave It To Them

Old people are all about their coupons, discounts, and bitching to the grocery cashiers should they not receive their savings or the cash machine not honor a 2 week old advertisement. After all, what else are the elderly going to do with what little time they have left? The black elderly especially display these features so you avoid them like the Jehova Witnesses on a Saturday morning when checking out at the grocery.

Below was me being deceived by the short line in an understaffed grocery on a Monday night. Naturally this black lady waited to get the bill to begin arguing the amount due. Total arguing time: 2.3 minutes. Luckily there were no price checks.

Here Comes The Sun

Ever heard that Beatles song “Here Comes the Sun”? It goes something like “…here comes the sun, do do do do doo…”

Well I subconsciously sang that some to myself as I headed towards the bathroom with the more appropriate words “…here comes the poop, doo doo doo doo doo…it’s alright…”

I don’t even know how that happened. Go figure.

Don’t Get That Style

The pic is bit blurry below. It’s of a woman’s pants. Cropped dress pants- or basically short pants that cut off just below the knees. The chic wore high boots, but you still see that these pants are just dressy shorts.

Sorry, I just don’t get it. Forget the fact that it’s 20 degrees in New York right now. But how is this even a style? And why do women get away with this crap? If I promise to shave any exposed leggage, can I where fancy shorts to work?

Ready For My Close Up

Human logic boils my water. Or maybe just the way they act on the train. Put a bunch of people on a train and for some reason the chemicals and toxins that are used to power the vehicle get people all discombobulated. The picture below is not a close up of my jeans. It’s of a Mexican that got on the train and chose to lean against the pole in front of me.

Mind you there were many other free poles availabe. Mind you again, I JUST left another pole earlier in the same train ride because ANOTHER Mexican was hogging the pole with his back leaning against it. What the hell Mexicans? I defend you guys all the time, then you pull this crap that only brothas and homies do!

I jabbed this prick with my jutting umbrella enough to force him to another pole.

Early Bird

Leave it up to my fiancée (Fifi) to get up bright and early the one weekend I’m actually tired. Her parents are staying here with us, but that’s not even the cause for her morning burst of energy. She picked up her wedding dress yesterday and now can’t wait to do more wedding stuff.

It was kinda cute too. “Babe?” she asked around 8:20AM. “Whatcha doing?”

“…trying to continue sleeping…”

“Are you done?”

“…are you?”

“Yah, I’m up! I’ve been having wedding dreams and I’m so excited!”

Any other weekend I’d need a crow bar to pry her from the bed.

“Vamanos! C’mon! Ahora!” Guess I’m awake.