Biological Mother

I received a random email via Facebook from a lady asking to verify if my mother matched the same profile as her long lost friend from high school. I consulted with my mother and went ahead with alerting this chic that my mother was indeed her friend. Facebook is great like that- helps you reconnect.

Fifi didn’t see this as a simple inquiry: she was convinced that my biological mother has come back to claim me. I had to confirm with my mother if that were true- she just laughed and said she’s just a friend. Uh huh.

The weird thing was a day later this woman requested to be a friend on Facebook of mine. Nuh uh beefslice. Then she ends up telling my mother how my updates degrade women and how my mother failed in raising a decent boy. Friendship, de-nied.

Cough is the Loneliest Number

I believe I have a cold of sorts. The type where you cough in random spurts and are fine untill the next time your throat runs dry. Coughing on the New York trains is kind of funny. It can get so quiet when you are the only one coughing so much- as if you’re inconveniencing everyone else with your ailment. If someone just coughs once I think to myself “ah, I have a brother on this train.”

So I was coughing towards Fifi, where standing in front of us stood an Asian women. it was a fit of coughing I couldn’t stop.

Within moments the Asian women turned around and held onto a pole on the opposite side of the train, with her back now facing us.

“She forgot her Michael Jackson nurse mask,” I joked with Fifi. Moments later we noticed sitting right in front of her was an Asian man covering his mouth with a napkin. I guess she too had to find her own brother to band with.

Movie Review: Defiance

After months of having our Netflix rental Defiance sitting there, I made Fifi and I watch the movie. This after Fifi made an arguement to bump our # of DVDs to 2 at a time because she felt we always had an episode of some series home and never a movie when these series get too mundane. When we finally got 2 DVDs at home we watched a total of 0 in 3-4 months.

So yea, onto the Jew-saving movie. The movie had me questionning what really did happen- some events were hard to believe though it was based on a true movie. Based on a small Jew family of 4 men, they began their own town out in the woods to hide from the Germans during the Holocaust.

There were just too many questions from me by the end of the movie. Where’d they get all these tools and utensils from out of nowhere? How the heck did one brother save the other in the nick of time from certain death? Spoil movies much, Brown Man?

We watched this movie in awe- you can’t help but root for the Jew. I look at all the Poop Sticks in the bag, and offer 3.98 to Defiance. It was a good movie- but at points you wanted to just smack some of these Jews.

Cat Claws

Fifi (fiancée) asked for my help in cutting the cat’s nails yesterday. She first had me try clipping the nails, but then asked I hold the cat when I clearly had no idea what I was doing- the nail clipper was backwards and I ended up clipping hair rather than nail.

I was then dismissed altogether when I held a chunk of the back of the cat’s neck- but she still was able to bite and get in the way of Fifi clipping the nails. Like many male tasks, I prove I am useless to Fifi so she thinks twice before asking me for help. It’s really a life lesson for my fiancée, I am a good guy to her.

No Pics Please

Fifi and I were talking about kids these days, like aging people do. One can’t help but shake their head at all the news stories about kids using their phones and cameras to essentially make kiddie porn. I told Fifi I’d just be disappointed if I ever found out about our daughter making such videos – and I fully expect some to exist of our teenage sisters.

“They aren’t that dumb,” Fifi defended.

“Are you sure? Do they not believe the bullshit guys in the past have fed them?What’s to stop them from simply believing ‘it’s fun’ or ‘you don’t love me if you don’t get filmed’?”

Later on we were watching MTV and a commercial came on telling young girls to not take pics because it will end up on the Internet. Now if MTV needs to make a public announcement statement about this topic- you know it’s a problem with these kids. Our poor sisters.

This Week in Subway Review

-A dude was standing by the door making sounds of extasy (or holding in a poop according to Fifi) as he kept mumbling “c’mon!” each time the train stopped. Perhaps he needed the train in motion to help him finish off?

-Today the trains are super packed and super slow: which means it is raining in New York. Our subways can not function on the sunniest of days- imagine a down pour.

Now I have to endure people with their wet coats re-soaking me each time a new passenger replaces a departing one next to me. The leaving passenger is all dry thanks to me absorbing their rain juice

Thought of the Day: Peculiar Hole

Isn’t it weird where your actual butthole is really located? You’d expect it to be dead center of your butt crack, but when showering you rediscover each time it’s way higher than you estimated. I guess it’s hard to judge for guys because there’s a lot of space from hole to penis, whereas women have their 2 holes located way too close for comfort.

The discrepancy in location of holes between men and women explains why a guy is always hearing “Whoa! Wrong hole!” or “Whoa! A little lower/higher! (depending on the position initiated)”.

Watch Out For NY Fists!

A person I know was on a crowded train the other day and was elbowing a man sitting down in front of her she didn’t have room to avoid hitting him.

“Dont touch me,” he said angrily.

When more people got onto the train at the following stop she elbowed him again and he PUNCHED her in the stomach. How crazy is that? People argued with the man who just began to ramble on about the Jews.

This crazy guy actually got off the next stop with the victim and even waited with her and train authorities for the cops to arrive- but when he saw the cops actually show up he hopped onto a train that pulled out just in time.

This dude was never stopped.

Facebook Birthday Protocol

It isn’t intuitive yet on how to really use Facebook when it comes to birthdays. Clearly it’s good to tell a friend far away happy birthday – which makes Facebook the excuse for getting a card. It’s also a great way to remind yourself when other people are having a birthday.

I just don’t like having to log on to ensure I thank everyone in mass for the birthday wishes. Is it really worth a thank you when these people would not care otherwise? Can’t I just continue without this obligation to tell old high school friends “thanks for saving the money on a costly e-mail to drop a note and see how I’m doing- I didn’t even need a card. Rather your lazy version of ‘happy birthday’ in favor of ‘happy bday’ is clearly well thought out and deserves me thanking you.”

First Birthday Gift Complete

Fifi (fiancée) declared that her first birthday gift to me was locking up the cat in a room for me. Now that the cat is bitching so loud from behind locked doors hours later, I declare this gift expired.